The Ten Catmandments and How They Go Over

1. Thou shalt not walk on certain designated surfaces.

No matter how many times you yell at me, scare me, flick water at me, and generally fling me off any such surface, I will attempt to regain it the moment you let down your guard. Also, places I could not reach by jumping last week, I can easily achieve this week. Na na na na naaah na!

2. Thou shalt not bug the cat-mommy between midnight and 8am.

Okay, but then you'll just have to guess what that crashing sound from the living room was. Also, I will test your resolve by chewing on your hair, digging furiously at the bedclothes, and crying pathetically when you finally banish me altogether from the bedroom. To add insult to injury, after I have successfully prevented you from getting a decent night's sleep, I will nap all day long... the better to annoy you the whole night through tonight! Bwahahahaha. My plan for world domination is coming along nicely.

3. Thou shalt tolerate necessary medical treatments, such as eye goop and facewash.

Make me.

4. Thou shalt be as cute as possible when a camera is pointed at thee.

Funny, I find that when you fish out that camera I lose all interest in whatever activity it was that was making me so incredibly cute.

5. Thou shalt not miaow piteously for no good reason.

Oh yes I shall.

6. Thou shalt not claw the furniture into ribbons.

Why on earth would I use the NO LESS THAN THREE SEPARATE SCRATCHING STATIONS YOU HAVE MADE AVAILABE FOR ME when the furniture is so much more ubiquitous and easier to shred?

7. Thou shalt not drink from sources other than thy water dish.

But I am a descendant of the great cats of the savannah! I prefer watering holes! The toilet reminds me of the place where the zebra gather. And your glass of water on the dining table or night-table is so so SO much more intriguing than my boring ol' water dish. Despite your pitiful efforts to keep it fresh, clean, and pure for my health and well-being.

8. Thou shalt not cause thy cat toys to vanish from the face of the earth.

It is in my nature to bury my prey. Is it my fault that my all-knowing, all-seeing god cannot find the toys where I have hid them? Sometimes I wonder whether I should worship you at all. Although you do provide all food, water, shelter, and toilet facilities, which you do ~ I admit ~ maintain spotlessly.

9. Thou shalt respect thy litterbox and keep it tidy.

Remember that whole burying thing? Well, it applies to poop as well as prey. Except I'm a very special kitty and I poop standing up, which creates some logistical challenges. And I like to bury things vigorously, which does ~ I confess ~ frequently cause litter to be scattered widely in all directions. But hey, that's why you bought that horribly loud DustBuster, right?

10. Thou shalt bring joy to the heart of cat-mommy.

What, the purring and the face-licking and the chirping and the being cute and lap-friendly aren't working for ya? What more can a kitty do?

Okay okay. She gets a pass on #10.